4 tips for a calmer day (for EVERYONE)

I recently had one of those, wow today was a really good day kind of days. You know those days when you put the kids to bed, sit back on the couch, and think to yourself “Damn, I’m motherfreaking superwoman!” It kinda felt like that. Surprisingly, it wasn’t because every part of the day went smoothly or because the boys were perfectly behaved but because I was flexing my present mama muscles and using all of the tools in my back pocket.

My mom came into the city to spend the day with the boys and me. It wasn’t just a regular Thursday. It was a “special” Thursday, hence I was already putting pressure on myself to make sure it was fun. We decided to take the boys to the Intrepid since they’re obsessed with airplanes and rockets lately. Unfortunately there was a ridiculous amount of traffic getting there and, once we arrived, there was a huge crowd out front and an unexpectedly long line to get in. Apparently everyone else’s spring break had started a day early too. Standing on line with two toddlers who don’t understand why they have to wait is oh so much fun. I could feel myself starting to get frustrated. The lines that had been moving came to a complete standstill. Thanks to my self-awareness practice, I realized I had a choice. I could continue to get angry by ruminating over how unfortunate this was and that it wasn’t part of my perfect plan or I could shift my thinking. In that moment, the following thought came to me which allowed me to breathe and release some of my frustration: “I’m sure there are so many moms in much more dire situations right now who would instantly trade places to be standing on line waiting to take their sons on an adventure like this.” It was an opportunity for me to call on gratitude to let go of my anger. And sure enough the line moved and in we went sans major meltdowns from any of us :)

We excitedly began exploring the airplanes on the flight deck. What turned out to be quite a WINDY, kinda rainy and cold flight deck. The boys have some sensory sensitivities which most recently have manifested in fear of the wind. They started to get upset, even cry a little. “Oh boy, here we go again,” I thought to myself. A flood of emotions rose up in me - fear, frustration, anxiety. What have I done to my kids? Why are they so sensitive? What’s wrong with them? What does my mom think of their behavior? It was all of this in addition to it not being how I envisioned the day going. In that moment I again realized I had a choice. I could continue to allow these fears to invade my mind and ruin my experience or I could shift my experience by calling on radical acceptance. Yes, my boys have sensory challenges, yes they’re scared of the wind right now, that is who they are. And I, as their mother, am going to fully and completely accept them as who they are, no judgments on them or myself. This “they are who they are, we’ll figure it out” attitude allowed me to relax almost immediately. And the boys without a doubt felt the shift in my energy and they ended up being mostly okay. We stayed out on the deck exploring the planes and then went back inside once it got to be too much. Radically accepting them in that moment allowed me to release my expectations of how I wanted our time there to go or how I was hoping they would behave. It would be what it would be and we would figure it out.

As we were getting ready to leave the Intrepid to head to the boys speech therapy appointments, it started raining. See, I told you not everything went smoothly? :) For those that don’t live in NYC, the Intrepid is all the way on the west side of Manhattan, quite far away from any public transportation. I thought we’d just jump in a cab - easy! I purposely hadn’t brought the stroller. Well, no cabs. Just rain, wind, and two heavy toddlers who only wanted to be carried. I was stressed. What was I going to do? How were we going to get there? And at this rate we were definitely going to be late. I looked over and could tell my mom was having a tough time carrying one of the boys. Despite it being rainy and gross, despite the fact that we were probably going to be late, I made a conscious decision to slow down. I literally started walking more slowly. I could feel the relief in my mom. Everyone’s energy shifted. Everyone calmed down. By slowing down our bodies, we sent messages to our brains that we were fine. That everything was going to work out. That we’d get there eventually, we’d find a cab. And sure enough, we found a cab on the next avenue arriving a mere 5 minutes late to the appointment. By slowing down we shifted our entire experience in that moment.

So no, it wasn’t the logistically smooth sailing, pure fun kind of day I was envisioning. Things went wrong, there were some hiccups and frustrations but overall it was a great day because I was able to use my tools to make the best of things. And you can do the same!

Here are 4 simple things you can try to experience a calmer, more successful day for you and your family.

1. Radical acceptance - Radically accept who your children are - the good, the bad, the ugly, all of it. Your children bring up a lot of emotions in you, especially when you see parts of yourself that you may not particularly like in them. Maybe they’re incredibly stubborn, hyperactive, anxious, timid when trying new things. It can be frustrating for us to see them struggle in any way. Take a minute to fully and completely love and accept that your children are who they are. Notice how this shift moves you away from anger and frustration and towards compassion. When you call on compassion, you will open up to explore ways you can support rather than judge both yourself and your children.

2. Call on gratitude - Maybe you’re stuck in traffic or on a long line, your kid is throwing a tantrum right before heading into the zoo. You’ve planned such a fun day for them and they are giving you a hard time about everything. It’s frustrating. It’s not at all what you envisioned. Take a deep breath and call on gratitude. Can you be grateful for the air conditioning in your car despite being in traffic? That you have the means to take your child to the zoo even if the day starts off a little rocky? One of my coaching clients and her daughter recently got lice! While understandably freaking out at first, she was able to call on gratitude to help her shift her energy. She realized how grateful she was to be able to pay someone to treat them both, to have a washer/dryer in her house so she could easily clean all of their clothes and sheets. There’s always a way to shift your thinking to see what you have to be grateful for.

3. Slow down - I’m willing to bet that as a mom, you’re frequently running late. You’re running late which causes stress, which then leads you to try and push through and quite literally start rushing. What happens when you move this way? Maybe you trip over your kids shoes? Leave the house without your wallet? When we move in this chaotic fashion we end up creating more obstacles for ourselves. The next time you notice yourself feeling stressed and pressed for time quite literally take a minute to slow down your movements. Take some deep breaths. You will end up moving faster in the end by giving yourself a minute to pause and think clearly.

4. Surrender - You can plan the perfect day, pencil in the time off, be completely zen and calm and still things can fall apart. That’s motherhood. That’s life. When you accept and surrender that this is just how things work, it can help release some of the anger and frustration that you experience on these disappointing days. Yes, an intended good day might go south but that doesn’t mean that will happen every time or that the amazing day you were hoping for isn’t waiting right around the corner. When you accept through the process of surrendering, you also allow yourself to experience some positive moments despite an overall difficult and disappointing day.

surrender and shift

This past week was tough- one of those when it rains it pours kinda weeks. We actually started 2019 with the stomach bug, me with my head in the toilet and then my son puking all over his crib. After making its way around our house, sparing only one of our sons, I thought we were in the clear. After two weeks of winter break and a whole lot of unstructured time with the kiddos I was SO ready to get them back to school and into our routine.

And then bam! Fever for the child who had been spared the stomach flu, followed by pink eye, an ear infection, a sinus infection for me, and then pink eye and a fever for the other kid. No school, no speech or OT, just me home alone with both boys in the middle of winter all while feeling quite sick myself. Friday couldn’t come soon enough when our beloved nanny would be back for the day. Then bam again! 9pm Thursday night I get a text from her husband that she won’t be in because she pulled a tendon in her neck.

Everyone knows being a mom is hard enough. Then try performing our typical daily circus acts while feeling like shit and it’s like trying to juggle with one hand.

I lost my mind a little bit. I had to. I was like a tea kettle boiling. I was going to explode if I didn’t let out a little steam.

Is this for real? Are you kidding me?? What the hell am I going to do yet ANOTHER day home alone with them. I have NO energy left! I’m still sick myself. Why is this happening?

I got really frustrated. A little bit angry. Not at my nanny of course but at the accumulation of circumstances that led to that moment. It didn’t help that the kids were wrestling like puppies every time I turned around.

And then I remembered. It was like the clouds parting. I had a choice here. I could either continue down the path of frustration, feeling badly for myself, focusing on how tough the past few weeks had been, and holding on to my anger.

Or I could SURRENDER.

I could make the choice to accept that this was simply the hand I was being dealt at the moment. To let go of my anger. To focus on how I could successfully get through another day alone with them. I surrendered and shifted my perspective to this:

(I literally wrote out the list below on my iPhone probably while changing a diaper, doing laundry, and making lunch)

1. Thank goodness the kids aren’t super sick and are still acting okay and playing (not at all like what we dealt with last March).

2. Thankfully I have the flexibility in my job to be home with them.

3. How lucky am I to get to spend all this time with my kids? I’m sure there are moms out there working all day long or otherwise busy who would much rather have this time with their kids.

4. How lucky are my kids to have their mom taking care of them when they need me most?

5. My worst week could be someone else’s best depending on what they are dealing with. It definitely could be worse. We are so lucky.

6. Even though I had to take him to the doctor, it was still nice to have some one-on-one time with just one of the boys.  

7. Thank goodness our other babysitter was able to come even for a bit on Friday.

FEELING AND THEN RELEASING MY ANGER ALLOWED THESE MESSAGES TO COME THROUGH.

And taking just a few minutes to write these things down completely shifted my mood. I went from being pissed off to actually feeling happy and full of gratitude. This shift then transformed the way I moved through my day and how I interacted with the kids. It made room for me to actually have fun with them and to even laugh at all the craziness. We made brownies, we watercolored, built forts. Staying angry would have kept me stuck and would have created other problems and obstacles along the way.

What I came to realize even as I wrote this is that it’s all about keeping your mind on the bigger picture. As much as you can. And not judging yourself for losing your shit over the little things sometimes.

I hope this serves as a glimpse into the magic that can shift a shitty situation into an “eh we’ll figure it out” situation. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings, admit how hard it is, and then let it go through surrender. Hit pause and allow a new perspective to come through you.

This week was hard, yes. But it would have been that much harder if I hadn’t shifted my perspective and surrendered.

the not always present mama

I did it! I survived what was undoubtedly the hardest month of my life. I don't want to dwell in the drama of it. I am just so grateful to be sharing that my kids are okay.

A quick summary -- on March 2nd my two year old son Ryan fell off our bed, broke his leg, and was basically immobilized for the month in a spica cast that wrapped around his entire torso and right leg. A situation that required round the clock attention. Two days later our son James started running high fevers that landed us in the hospital as we tried to figure out what was making him sick. A month full of uncertainty, fear, and waiting to see what happened. A month when neither of my boys were 100% okay. 

There were a lot of moments when this "present" mama wasn't so present. I was hysterical. Screaming into pillows. Collapsing on the floor in the doctors office. Taking Klonopin. Not eating. It wasn't pretty. I had to do what I needed to do.

But I also had A LOT of moments when I felt like mother-f---king superwoman and couldn't believe how I was doing what I was doing. Where I did my best to dig deep. Like really deep. Mustering every cell of strength in my body to be calm and strong for my boys. There were also moments of extreme appreciation - acknowledging and thanking the nurses and doctors who were exceptional not only with our son but with my husband and I. Recognizing the team of support we have - my parents, my in laws, my sister, our incredible nanny, friends and family reaching out to help. How much harder it would have been without them. 

Motherhood is hard. It’s not always easy to be present. And sometimes we do what we need to do to get by. But the tools I have in my back pocket certainly helped. Can’t wait to continue to share them with all of you. 

a new kind of f-word

In the spirit of my dear friend and mentor Gabrielle Bernstein's book launch, Judgment Detox, I thought it appropriate to write a little something for the mommas out there about judgment and forgiveness. 

We all know the term forgiveness. But I think it's fair to say that's it's generally a term we associate with other people. You need to forgive your mother, your sister, she didn't mean it, just let it go. But if you are a student of spirituality, you may know that often time the most important person to forgive is yourself. But what does that actually mean?

If you know me personally you know that being a mom is truly my dream fulfilled. It's been my greatest joy as well as my greatest challenge. As moms there is so much that is expected of us -- work, keep the house in order, grocery shop, buy toiletries, cook, do laundry, research preschools, keep the kids happy, fed, etc. It's a constant juggling act. We are bound as human beings to mess up somewhere. We may forget to give the kids money for the book fair or still haven't gotten them proper snow boots so they can go and play in their first ever snow storm (totally guilty of this), you're late for pick up, you give them French fries for dinner (yup, guilty again!), or you don't even make it home in time for dinner like you promised. Whatever it is, we make mistakes and things often don't go as we planned.

On top of feeling shitty for whatever we've forgotten or done wrong we then mentally kick our own asses. How could you forget? They were counting on you. What's wrong with you? All of the women I see on instagram have it figured out. Why can't you? Maybe you're not the mom you thought you were. These negative thoughts send us even further into the dark and make it that much harder to come back. Not only have we made a mistake but we've judged ourself for having messed up. Being in this headspace only causes you to make more mistakes, you're setting yourself up to screw up again in some other way.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned is how to be kinder, patient, more forgiving, and less judgmental of myself.

Did you know that you can give yourself permission to forgive yourself?

And what I mean by that is taking the opposite approach to what I just described above. Be kind to yourself. When you mess up, simply say, "It's okay, I forgive you. You're doing the best you can. This is not the end of the world."

You're being your own worst critic in these moments. And you have the choice to stop. 

It's that simple. Make the choice to change the mental conversation. It's not easy and it doesn't happen overnight. But the next time you're feeling shitty, ask yourself, "What am I thinking? It is possible I'm making myself feel worse? And if so, can I make the choice to release self-judgment and forgive myself?" 

s l o w d o w n

And yet again, another lesson in this. I made the mistake of walking in the door 15 minutes before a coaching call. The boys were still up and of course after seeing me wanted ME to put them down for their nap. In addition to prepping for my call, I had wanted to get dinner marinating, respond to a few emails, and eat something quickly. And yet none of that happened. They were already cranky and I had a clock ticking in my head. Not the best recipe.

We went in their room. James decided he simply couldn't nap without one more piece of toast. And Ryan decided to poop at the 11th hour. You've all been there. It's like they can sense you're in a hurry and therefore try their absolute hardest to make things that much more difficult. I could feel the stress building. 

Why are they making this so hard? I'm going to be late! Just get in your cribs already! GAHHHHH! 

Thanks to my coaching practice I knew I had two choices -- to let my anxiety build and rush through the naptime process OR I could hit the breaks and tell myself to S L O W D O W N. I did a quick mental check in and reasoned that I'm always on time so it wouldn't be the end of the world if I were 5 minutes late to my call.

Fortunately I chose option B.

And what happened? James calmly finished his toast while flipping through pages of his favorite book while Ryan (for the first time in awhile) laid still while I changed his diaper. And yes, I did show up 5 minutes late to my call -- my dear client was more than understanding and I'm so grateful to her for that. The lesson yet again was how much time I SAVED by slowing down. Seems counterintuitive but rushing would have created so many more obstacles that would have made me even later. It also allowed me to be more present with the kids in the few moments I had with them.

So the next time you're running late and feel the urge to rush, I encourage you to do the opposite. S L O W D O W N. Take a deep breath, feel your feet firmly planted on the ground, and just literally stop what you're doing for a minute. Weigh your options. Consider the different outcomes. Then make a conscious decision. Never fails. 

freakout. reset. freakout. reset.

So freakout. Reset. Freakout. Reset. This is pretty much what my days have been consisting of lately which reminded me of the breathe and reboot concept.

I. AM. BEING. TESTED. And I'm showing up for it. My twin boys are going to be two. I never liked or embraced the concept of "the terrible twos" and I still don't want to hold this idea in my mind, having this expectation of them. And yet there have most definitely been more moments where my patience is tested. Like really tested. 

I've been paying really close attention to how I'm responding. As the present mama, I'm supposed to have all of this shit figured out no?

What I realized is that it's not about being zen and calm all the time. That shouldn't be the goal. It's about learning how to reset. and reset. and reset again. That's all I do. I get really frustrated. I freak out. Then I take a deep breath and am present again. They test me. I have to walk away. And then I come back. It's all about bouncing back quickly. But not having an unrealistic expectation of myself. We're all just doing the best we can. And we're human. I'm entitled to my emotions as their mother just like they're allowed to go through all the crazy emotions that come with being two. We both matter. And we'll have to figure it out moment by moment.

Isn't it so much nicer to have this kind of conversation as a mother? A conversation about what it's really like? It's a relief. We need to be honest and have conversations about what it's really like so that we can take off the pressure we put on ourselves to be a certain kind of way all the time. And most importantly, so that we can enjoy motherhood.